


shattering facade

by SquirrelBastard



Series: skz one shots [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Coping mechanism, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, Insecurities, M/M, Mild tease, Minho helps, No Time To Die, Romance, Sad boi hours, Sad chan, School, Worried Minho, billie eilish - Freeform, chan is scared, chan is whipped, form of self harm, indication of sex, soft, they sing, woojin bestie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:34:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26072743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquirrelBastard/pseuds/SquirrelBastard
Summary: "you are not him. he is happy. he is a mask..." a tear ran down his face. his gentle fingers wiped them away with a warm smile on his lips. "you are broken, but you are real"
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: skz one shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1885513
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	shattering facade

chan grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder, arms hanging limp against his side as he was stuck in one place. he couldn't move. he could barely even breathe as his lungs felt like collapsing in on themselves. moving his eyes up just enough to look in his full body mirror he reached a shaky hand to his cheeks fixing his lips into his signature smile, one that could fool just about anyone that looked at him. to others, he looked happy. and he told himself he was...

taking the first few steps, he managed to leave his apartment with his usual smile plastered on his face. 

reaching the school building he waved at his friends waiting for him at the gates. jisung happily returned the gesture and even hopped in his place his gummy smile vibrant and cheerful as always. changbin also smiled widely excitedly waiting for the older to reach them. 

wobbling over to the two childishly grinning pair standing at the gates chan giggled. "how are you guys?"

"i'm feeling pretty good today." changbin explained and chan smiled, happy to hear it. 

jisung nodded while fixing his black beanie. "i'm good! how about you channie?"

the oldest fought with himself for a moment. he always did. should i be honest? no, what's the point. they're feeling so happy right now. "i'm good too." as always chan, good job, hope you cry yourself to sleep about this. 

jisung and changbin smiled happily, believing that their friend might just be genuinely happy and doing well. oh, how naive the two could be. 

"b-by the way." chan cleared his throat in hopes of preventing another voice crack. "have you guys seen woojin anywhere yet?"

jisung hummed, thinking for a second as changbin shook his head. "ah, i think i remember seeing him go in earlier. he was walking with someone i haven't seen before though."

chan looked at jisung surprised at the newly heard information. chan wondered who it could have been if even jisung didn't recognize him. "i see. alrighty come on let's head in as well." he smiled and nudged at the two who easily complied. they walked into the school and went their own way from there. 

reaching his first class chan stopped right around the corner, out of sight, and let his head lean against the wall for a moment. he was already dreading the day ahead of him. but he shouldn't complain. at least he's healthy and has friends who love and support him. 

fixing his smile he left the wall and entered his classroom. 

somehow surviving his first few classes chan wasn't even sure what day it was by the time lunch came around. packing up his stuff he put it all in his bag and grabbed it flinging it over his shoulders and slowly making his way out of the classroom. 

he had his earphones in as he walked along the side of the halls, his speed slow and staggered but at least he wasn't in anyone's way. the volume of his music was loud enough to prevent any outside noise to get through and into chan's ears just as he preferred it. this way his thoughts would be at bay as well. 

feeling his stomach grumble from hunger he picked up the pace just in the slightest to make sure he reaches the cafeteria today. 

nearing his destination, chan began contemplating. he wasn't sure if he actually wanted to eat anything or see anyone. he would rather sit out on the roof and just listen to his music. but then his friends would think something is wrong. sighing to himself he pushed open the doors of the lunchroom and went straight to where he saw his friends sitting at, removing his earphones along the way. 

"hey." he called out just loud enough for all of them to hear as they all looked in his direction. he didn't need to look through all of them to spot one boy sitting there who he hasn't seen before. 

chan lost his breath as soon as he looked at him. the boy had warm chocolate hair and honey hickory eyes fitting well with his sun-kissed skin and cherry plush lips. his eyelashes were long and beautiful giving all the more to his ethereal beauty. his ears were small, cute, well fit for his head, and decorated with a few earrings that chan found quite mesmerizing. the silver-tone of the jewelry popped on the boy's deep sweet skin. 

"channi!" the youngers exclaimed in an excited tone and chan gathered the strength to rip his gaze away from the boy across from him. smiling at jeongin and felix he waved and sat in the empty seat between them. 

"hey chan." woojin called to get said males attention which he succeeded in as he immediately turned in his direction with a hum. "i was assigned to show a new kid around so i hope you don't mind him being here." 

chan looked at woojin with a gobsmacked expression. did he really think that anyone could mind such a beautiful boy sitting with them? 

collecting himself yet again he smiled and turned to the new kid. "of course i don't mind. hi, my name is chan. i hope you'll like it here with us."

the boy smiled and chan felt butterflies burst to life in his stomach. "hi chan. i'm minho and i hope we'll get to know each other." chan returned the smile, trying his very best to not just burst into tears. 

he was mesmerized by the boy. but at the same time, minho was so perfect chan had mixed emotions about him. maybe he was jealous. maybe he wished to look at least close to how perfect minho looked. or he was feeling overwhelmed by the fact that such a beautiful person was sitting in front of him, the sweetest smile on their lips directed at chan, and chan felt unworthy of such a thing. 

he wished to have the boy, but as fast as that thought came to mind his insecurities came just as quick. as if a boy like him would even bat an eye in your direction. he wouldn't even touch such a filthy creature like yourself. 

chan bit the inside of his cheek while zoning out, but making sure to seem like he was listening to ongoing conversations while his thoughts ate him away, and he himself ended up not eating anything. 

he didn't see the boy after that for the rest of the day. he couldn't decide if he was happy or depressed to not see him in any of his classes. maybe it was for the better. maybe he will forget about chan and just move onto a new group of friends. 

leaving the school campus chan was already on his own since none of his friends live in the area he does. his headphone plugged in, music turned up, chan couldn't wait to get home. 

or maybe he dreaded it. maybe he dreaded the idea of his empty apartment. maybe he hated the view of the city. maybe he hated to see himself in the mirror every time he was in his room. 

maybe chan just hated to be anywhere. 

too caught up in his thoughts he was startled when a hand landed on his shoulder. removing one of his headphones he looked to the side and raised an eyebrow with his smile instinctively forming on his lips. his heart was hammering out of his chest and he hoped that the boy looking at him wouldn't come any closer in case he heard. 

"hey, chan. can i walk with you?" minho asked with a little grin on his cat-like lips that chan glanced at for a bit longer than necessary. 

nodding his head with an eye-smile minho smiled and began walking in chan's pace noticing that the older wasn't particularly fast but was walking in a mellow speed. minho wondered if he always walked in such a way or only because he wasn't alone this time. 

"so, do you live in this direction?" chan asked glancing at the boy for only a moment before returning his eyes to the ground, watching his feet take step after step over the road. 

the younger turned to look at the older only to find him with his head tilted down, his bangs covering his eyes but his smile never faltering. "yeah. i'm assuming you are too." chan nodded but never looked at minho again. 

he didn't want to look at him. minho made him feel. he made chan feel emotions, butterflies, and drums, he made him feel waves, loss of breath. chan was drowning by the single thought of minho and looking at him may just cause him to choke. 

"hey, do you want to come over and play some games? i don't want to be home alone." minho asked out of the blue and chan looked at him wide-eyed. minho noticed the storm brewing in chan's deep brown eyes before they turned thick, they turned into iron bars blocking anyone from seeing what was behind his brown irises. 

chan smiled, his eyes disappearing into crescents hiding away whatever minho saw a second ago. "sorry, i'm not so sure about that." he looked away, this time not to the front but instead away from minho, his face out of sight. 

chan's lips trembled and his hands shook in his pockets. at one point he began fiddling with the ring on his index finger out of habit. he didn't like going over to other's place. especially not minho's. he couldn't stand being in the home of such a beautiful boy. 

'i don't want to be home alone.' minho's voice rung in his head and chans eyes grew wide. 

"uhm— i— sorry." he looked at minho for a second, looking away when he caught the eyes of the other. "uhm, im not that fond of going to others home but if you want you can hang out at my place." he glanced up nervously. 

his heart fluttered when minho smiled. "if i'm not a bother." chan immediately shook his head and minho giggled. "sure. then I'll go over. i won't stay for long don't worry."

the australian shook his head. "stay as long as you want— o-or need." he cursed himself for stuttering, but he wanted to add that last part no matter what. who knows why minho didn't want to be home. 

people are unreadable. maybe minho seemed happy and smiley, but maybe he was like chan. maybe he hated being alone. maybe he was having nightmares. maybe he felt in danger at home. maybe— maybe...

chan felt tears well in his eyes. who was he kidding. it's only him who could feel so miserable no matter what, especially in their own home. 

they didn't talk much after that, which minho didn't mind cause all the more time he had to observe the older, but it was all that more time for chan's thoughts to run wild and slowly eat him up bit by bit. 

~~

reaching his door chan fumbled with his keys, his ears blushing when he realized his hand was shaking. pulling his long sleeve down to his knuckles he finally managed to turn his keys and open the door. stepping inside he let minho in before closing the door behind him. 

the younger was surprised by chan's apartment. it wasn't too small, quite frankly it seemed way too big for it to have such little decoration and furniture. it was clean, no garbage over the floor or shoes and clothes all  
over the place. it was dark, grey, and black walls with an additional white one in each room. the windows had the blindfolds down, though they were open, they dimmed the light enough to make you take a second to adjust to the dark. everything looked immaculate. 

it barely even looked like anyone lived here. 

"sorry. it's not the coziest apartment but i think it's still comfortable at least." minho turned to look at chan who was looking at his feet, his hand scratching at the straps of his backpack. 

minho smiled warmly and gathered chans eyes with a hum. "i'm not going to criticize your apartment chan. it's yours. as long as you like it that's all that matters. plus—" he paused and made his way further into the apartment, chan's eyes following his every move. minho dropped his bag down on the floor and sat down in the huge beanbag in chan's living room, chan finding it cute how the boy sunk into the cushion. "oh! i was about to say this looked comfy but wow this is way comfier than i thought." he patted the gray textile of the furniture, his eyes sparkling like some child who just found their favorite toy. 

minho seemed so innocent, so happy. chan regretted inviting him over. 

~~

the two spent the afternoon together. minho walked around chan's apartment, complimenting his room and the pictures on the wall. he gaped at chan's little music studio and got permission to fumble with some of the devices, even getting chan to make a short beat on the spot just for him. 

though chan never saw it, minho kept staring at the older. he admired his smile, the dimples adding all the more to his charm. the way his eyebrows furrowed and then rose when he was making music or how he laughed nervously whenever minho complimented him or his belongings. 

but chan felt...surreal. the chan presented to minho didn't seem real. he seemed far too perfect, even with his nervous habitual behaviors like the biting of his lips, averted eyes, or bouncing of his legs. 

this boy in front of minho wasn't chan, but he wanted to know who he really was then. 

the time came for minho to leave and chan helped him get his bag, bringing it to the door where minho thanked him and threw it over his shoulder. they stood there for a moment, eyes locked and never quivering. 

feeling his heart hammering out of his chest, chan smiled and hid his eyes into crescents above his cheek, breaking away from minho's soft yet deep stare. "it was fun having you over minho. come over whenever you want. that is if you want."

minho smiled and chan's heart shot to his throat, the drumming in his chest nearly suffocating him and filling his ears. "thanks chan. i might just take you up on that." he giggled and chan felt his lips quiver as the boy stepped out the door. 

minho was so perfect, and chan was so not perfect. and yet here he was, gracing the older with his presence, his attention, his laughs and smiles, his time. 

chan started to hate minho. 

walking down the hall, minho looked back to wave at chan, the older smiling and returning the gesture, watching minho until the very moment he disappeared behind a corner. 

his smile broke, slowly shattering and dropping from his face, his eyes glistening and hands shaking as he quickly slammed his door shut and locked it, muting any sound that may come out. 

the following weeks were a bit more eventful for chan. minho came over almost two or three times each week to play games or just do homework with the older, or just sit in his living room and talk about whatever. 

each time chan's heart beat louder, his ears filled with the drumming sound, and his throat filled with sobs he couldn't let out. chan smiled so much in that time, that once he was alone he couldn't even force himself to lift the corners of his shaking lips. he began to sit against his front door or against his window in the living room after minho left, and just stare at the city below him. sometimes he didn't even move until the next day. 

chan began losing himself even more than he had before. 

and all because he feared that if minho knew who he really was he would lose him too. then he'd only have whatever he had remaining of himself, and that wasn't much if anything at all considering he used to go weeks without taking care of himself properly. 

~~

its been two months since minho showed up and chan's group of friends have long accepted him as one of them. he spent the lunches with them and walked with them to class just like how they were now, laughing loudly in the cafeteria and joking with each other. 

but chan only felt a burning fire in his heart for minho. he hated the boy. 

chan didn't like this fire licking at his throat and filling his lungs with smoke. he disliked everything about it. there was no part of minho that was good for chan. 

minho was like a never ending cigarette that chan couldn't stop smoking away. 

snapping out of his thoughts he cursed at himself for ever thinking of minho in such a toxic way, but his mind couldn't help it. whatever chan labeled as hate towards minho was something that he never felt before and seemed like the only acceptable explanation in his head. 

looking around the table, his eyes stopped at a pair of honey hickory gems glistening in the daylight, tan skin almost shining with beauty staring right back at chan. minho was staring at the older. once he realized that, chan couldn't hold himself together any longer. bolting from his seat he ran. 

he ran and ran as long as his feet took him. down halls and corridors, in and out of doors until he no longer felt his legs or anything else at that. 

all while the only thing on his mind was minho. his light honey eyes that would resemble the sunrise every time light reflected in it. his sunny tan skin and the glistening of his pretty cheeks with every smile he formed. the way his well carved nose fit just right on his gorgeous face. peachy, plush cat-like lips glistening from his lip balm that he never forgot to apply when the skin on his lips turned even the slightest bit chapped. fluffy chestnut brown hair that always felt so inviting for chans gentle grip, the urge to just skim his fingers through the soft strands stronger every time chan looked at it. big shirts that he had tugged into the jeans that hugged his thighs nicely but made him seem all the more snuggleable. 

chan bit his lip tears drenching his cheeks as his feet never stopped. 

he eventually fell through his front door, tears streaming down his face and his hand clasping at his chest. his heart hurt to the point where he was physically in pain as he silently sobbed, not wanting any of his neighbors to hear him. 

chan always ran. he ran from his friends, he ran from his family, he ran from his problems. chan was a coward and he knew it but that's all he knew at this point. 

gasping to catch his breath he cursed himself when he realized he didn't even grab his bag before leaving. burying his face in the pit of his palms he let the tears wash over his skin. his body shook with every sob and breath his back leaning forward more and more until he was flat against his bent up knees. 

taking his hands away from his face he wrapped them flush against his lower arms, his teeth gritted together and his nails digging into his skin. he rocked back and forth lightly and cried with a strong headache creeping into the back of his head. 

the sun had set but chan still sat in front of his door. his tears have long stopped as his red puffy eyes just stared at the floor ahead of him. his now scratched up arms were wrapped around his knees and he had his chin buried into his hoodie now soaked flush against his cheeks. at one point he began playing music on his phone, humming some tunes when he felt like it despite how raspy his voice felt. 

he couldn't believe he ran like that. all because he made eye contact with minho. slamming his head back against the door he winced at the force against his skull, misjudging the distance behind him. sighing and wrapping his hands behind his neck he rubbed at the aching spot on his head just as another sigh was about to come out his throat only to stop when a vibration cut him off. 

once he realized it was his phone the sigh seemed twice as strong than it was initially meant to be. grabbing the device from his side he laid his face on his knees and watched as he flipped it screen up. 

it lit up with a bunch of muted messages from changbin, jisung, even hyunjin, and seungmin. but the only text he was notified of was from his close friend, woojin. 

from BearHyung  
'hey, chan. i'm on my way to drop your bag off. is it good for you rn?'

chan just stared for a few moments, unable to move a single finger. he felt so so tired and he wasn't even sure if he'd be able to get up by the time the older reached his apartment. 

somehow gathering enough strength to type he replied with a 'yeah it's good.' before hitting send and flipping his phone back down his face falling between his knees. "this will be a pain.." he whispered to himself and continued to sit there, waiting, and listening to the music resonating in his apartment. 

it barely felt like a few minutes when knocks came from the door but chan wasn't physically capable of getting up. but he had to, so despite his shaky limbs supporting him against the door he got on his feet and reached for the doorknob. 

forcing his usual smile on he opened the door expecting to see the worried eyes of his friend. however, once he had a view into the halls he audibly gasped and shut his mouth, his eyes growing wide. 

he was wrong. this wasn't going to be a pain. this was going to be absolutely miserable.

beside a concerned looking woojin stood a boy with sun-kissed skin, honey hickory eyes, and chestnut colored hair. 

minho stared back at chan, his eyes wide and almost worried. but chan pushed that thought away. he was probably dragged along by woojin.   
no. he probably begged woojin to come. he wouldn't miss a chance to see chan. 

the australian was torn and seemed to only slip further apart with every contrasting thought. 

"hey, chan. here's your bag." woojin ripped chan out of his heavy stare as he snapped his head in the direction of the older, almost catching woojin off guard as he looked at his friend with such intensity. chan's eyes were wide, eyebrows furrowed and lips sealed shut his jaw flexed as a sign of preventing himself from shaking. 

chan was in a panic and woojin had no idea why. 

the younger shifted his eyes down to the bag and back up. "r-right. yeah, thanks wooj." he carefully reached for it, fast enough to prevent the two from seeing the tremble in his fingers. putting it beside his door he turned back to his friend, but his face remained looking down. 

"can we come in?" 

the blonde's eyes snapped up at the older. glancing over at minho he quickly looked away after forming eye contact and with an unsure nod of his head he stepped out of the doorway. "sure." glancing back one last time he turned his eyes to the ground and made his way into his living room. 

the two followed and minho closed the door behind them, noticing how chan immediately went to shut his bedroom door before they could see whatever he tried to hide inside. he didn't think too much of it as he made his way over to chan's beanbag that he has come to love way more than he ever expected. 

"not your first time here i see." woojin chuckled and minho looked at him. the older smiled at the brown haired boy and took a seat on the dark grey couch. minho grinned and shook his head, turning his attention to chan who at one point disappeared into the halls and now returned only to head straight for his kitchen. 

"drinks?" his voice was meek, almost shaky as it was just audible enough for the two other boys to hear. he looked, in every way shape and form, so so vulnerable right now, and minho could only think if it was by any chance because of him? was he able to have such an influence on the older?

"just water for me." woojin replied first the blonde simply replying with a hum as he reached to grab for a cup. 

"do you have coke?" minho asked, his eyes strictly kept on chan and his every move, watching his little reactions and flinches when minho spoke. the boy couldn't decide if he found it amusing or worrisome. 

the blonde nodded his head and went to open one of the cupboards on the wall. pausing for a second, minho wished he could see the boy's expression but his hair was covering him to his nose preventing him from doing so. biting at his lower lip chan reached up into the cupboard, standing on the tip of his toes. 

his sleeve slipped down and minho caught sight of his pale skin, his eyebrow raising and lip pulling up into a smirk, but his heart skipping a beat before it sunk to his stomach. "did you have someone over?" is that why he closed his bedroom door? were they still here?

chan looked at minho. "w-what?" 

his hickory eyes looked at chans arm as he nudged his head. "your arm. did you have someone interesting over?" 

chan went flush red as he looked at his arm, ripping it out of the cupboard with a bottle of coke in his hand, his other clasping around his sleeve. "n-no. i-i— the corner of my desk chipped and i keep scratching my arm on it." chan explained hurriedly as he stumbled over his feet, contemplating where exactly he wanted to go. 

minho hummed and was surprised to feel a weight drop from his shoulder and a breath slip through his lungs he didn't even know was holding. despite how he felt he caught sight of woojin and chan sharing a look, chan almost looking ashamed before he turned back towards the kitchen, and minho wasn't sure if that weight was actually gone. what did that little glance mean?

chan filled a cup of water for woojin, his heart hammering out of his chest and his breath rapid yet silent as he was burning up in embarrassment. why would minho assume such a thing? sure people are unreadable but did chan really seem like he was hooking up with anyone? did minho consider him a player? or maybe he considered chan loyal enough to be in a committed relationship? no, why would he ask if chan had anyone 'interesting' over then? 

without realizing he had shut down the tap after the cup filled and was now moved to the side of the sink as he just stood there, staring into the pit of the sink, a single dirty dish soaking on the bottom. chan winced at that and decided to not look at it any longer as his stomach churned and growled only for it to go to deaf ears. 

grabbing the bottle of coke he poked his head out of the kitchen to quickly look at minho, only to see he was staring back at him. turning his eyes away he spoke up. "u-um, do you want the bottle, or a cup, and straw or no straw?"

"ah." minho breathed, that is all he did, yet chan felt a chill run down his spine. "bottle is fine. and straw please." the boy smiled and chan felt his ears burn even more than they already did. nodding his head he went back to the cupboard to get a straw before opening the bottle of coke and putting the pink straw in it, bending the top. 

grabbing both drinks he went back to the living room and handed the glass of water to woojin who put his phone down that he was staring at until  
now, and shot chan a look after looking at the boy's hand, fingers trembling around the cup. chan looked back at him with a little smile before taking his empty hand away. 

keeping his head down he stepped over to minho who was now sunk deep into the beanbag, almost like a bunny sinking into a pillow. minho looked really small in the huge piece of furniture and chan couldn't help a genuine smile tug at his lips. 

extending his hand he handed the bottle of coke to minho. the boy, after turning his eyes away from chan's face looked down at his hand wrapped around the bottle, finding the veins running along the back of his hand far more attractive than he ever thought he would. he grabbed the drink, unintentionally grazing his fingers along chans who flinched at the contact. 

minho now knew he had some sort of impact on chan, but he was getting really confused whether it was a good or bad kind. 

the older retreated his hand, as a thought ran through minho's head. if his desk was chipped, why were there absolutely no marks on his hand? sure there's a possibility of only scratching his arm, but the number of scars that ran along his skin really contrasted that idea.

watching the blonde, minho took a sip of his drink as chan retreated, grabbing one of the pillows set on the chair abandoned in the corner of the room before returning to the couch. sitting down, he occupied the end of the couch opposite of woojin, pulling his knees up and hugging the pillow in his lap. 

"are you okay chan? i mean, what happened at lunch?" woojin asked, only glancing at the younger while taking a sip of his water, and watching the glass cup in his hand as it reflected the dim light of the room. 

chan chuckled almost nervously, playing with the silver ring on his index finger. "i was just feeling really sick. i'm a bit better but I'll probably skip tomorrow." 

woojin looked at the boy, already knowing the nervous traits of the boy that easily gave away when he wasn't being honest. what neither of them knew was that minho had also figured out when he was or wasn't lying, and while woojin was plainly convinced that chan was lying, minho just stared at him feeling quite torn. 

it was all off. chan didn't have the usual quiver to his voice or his eye smile like he does when lying, instead, he looked at his hands, voice surprisingly steady but quiet. it was almost like he wasn't entirely lying, or as if he had no other option than to lie. 

"hm.." woojin hummed while looking at the drink in his hand, not wanting to call out the boy in front of minho. "i guess I'll email you my in class notes then." 

chan didn't even bother looking up at the male, already hearing the disappointment in his voice. his smile turned even more forced now, trying his best to hold back the tears welling in his eyes. "alright. thank you."

woojin just sighed and got up, walking to the kitchen. "alright. that's all i wanted, sorry, i have to go." he put his empty cup in the sink, before heading back to the front door. "i wish i could stay, but my shift starts soon." 

watching the older male, chan kept his head down while digging his hands into his pillow, glancing back at minho, waiting for the boy to follow the oldest. however, the longer he watched him, the more he seemed to realize that minho wasn't heading out just yet. he internally cursed the boy for that. 

woojin looked back from the door, catching how chan ripped his eyes away from minho to fix his gaze on the older. the blonde just widened his eyes a bit, embarrassed that his friend had caught him as he held his breath. 

the boy just smiled a bit, waving. "I'll be off then. rest a lot chan." said boy just nodded, waving at the other, minho following suit as they watched the older leave the apartment. 

the silence that followed didn't last long as minho got up, grabbing the beanbag behind his back. chan snapped his head towards him, watching with panic as the boy shuffled closer to him before falling back onto the beanbag, now only a foot away from the australian. 

chan watched in panic, his chest heaving nervously as his heartbeat resonated in his ears. minho, on the other hand, looked at him, a warm smile across his lips as he drank the coke in his hand. 

chan couldn't help the skip of his heart as he watched him, the boy looking so small and snuggly in his huge beanbag while drinking the bottled soda with a baby pink straw, his peachy plump lips wrapping over it cutely while holding it with two of his fingers. his grey shirt covered his upper arm, nearly dropping over his elbows just barely revealing the muscle definition of his arm. a light, minty green string bracelet fell below his wrist, similar to chans silver chain one. 

"so." minho spoke, snapping chan out of his stare that while minho didn't mind, he knew the older gazing holes into him won't get them anywhere. "how are you? honestly this time." 

the older looked at him, confused for a few moments. honestly? this time? did minho realize he was lying? 

the brunette stared back twirling the straw between two of his fingers. "oh, don't look at me like that."

"i— you— how d-did you realize." chan stuttered, lowering his head as his voice gradually trailed off, his hands digging deeper into the pillow to prevent them from shaking. 

"chan." he said, making the boy look at him, smiling when he realized how obedient the boy was. "I've spent two days every week here for the past two months. you think i don't realize?"

the blonde blushed, embarrassed about being called out by the boy in front of him, who he stupidly took for all beauty and no brains for as long as he knew him. clearly, minho was way more than pretty, long eyelashes and soft plump lips. 

"i— i guess i just thought you wouldn't. most people don't. even changbin doesn't know when i'm lying." his voice was small, eyes kept on his feet. he felt extremely vulnerable, and though he didn't know it minho would have agreed with that. the older was extremely small and vulnerable. 

the brunette huffed. "clearly." he said, before taking another long sip of his drink, watching his feet paddle on the floor.

with a gulp chan let out a sigh and lowered the pillow into his lap, still smiling weakly as he looked out his window. minho looked up with his eyes, observing the boy with no longer as heavy, sad eyes, as he slowly broke down in front of him. 

"i really wasn't feeling well. i still feel out of it, but i don't think I'll get any better soon." he smiled again, and minho scoffed. 

"stop smiling just to reassure people. it's not good for you." he said plainly as he set his bottle on the ground next to himself before leaning forward and locking eyes with chan. 

the blonde hummed, taken aback by what he said. not good for you? "i do many things that aren't good for me." he chuckled almost jokingly, but minho knew he was serious. 

there's one more thing that minho knew. he knew that chan was terribly foreign to him. he realized— he really didn't know this boy in front of him. 

chan never ended up telling minho what was bothering him that day, and minho was eventually "thrown out" when he came to the conclusion that chan didn't want him around and asking questions any longer. so, to not make the older any more uncomfortable he excused himself that day, not knowing that it will be the last time he saw the boy for a while. 

the following day's chan wasn't at school. whenever minho asked woojin about it he said that the boy was still feeling sick and didn't want to risk any accidents happening in school. 

minho wasn't satisfied with that reply. he still didn't know what was wrong with the australian and none of his other friends could answer that question. 

so, once making up his mind, he was determined to go and visit the boy. he had to see him. 

minho didn't realize it at the time, but missing someone so much wasn't just something people feel when not seeing their friends for a few days. this was deeper. he almost needed the boy just so he can function properly 'cause frankly, minho was malfunctioning. he was falling apart bit by bit and he didn't even know it. 

his breakfasts turned into skipped meals, brushing his teeth took longer than they used to. his phone, which he usually discarded without second a thought, was now glued to his hand. focusing became difficult and he often found himself daydreaming. 

why?

because chan was nowhere to be found, and instead he looked for it in his memories, on his screen, anywhere just to make himself believe that the male was around. 

minho almost acted like chan was dead. 

he frowned at that idea, realizing just how dependent he had become, almost needing chan just to breathe. 

when did that happen?

with a shake of his head, he looked ahead of himself, eyes widening. thrashing his head from left to right down both halls, he turned back to face the door in front of him, his jaw falling slack and lips parting in surprise. 

he had totally spaced out again. last time he was conscious of his surroundings he was just a few steps off of school campus, and now here he was, standing in front of chan's apartment. he couldn't even recall going up the stairs, let alone opening a door to get to them. 

minho was really losing it now. 

inhaling softly, he removed a hand from a strap of his bag and reached out, knocking two of his knuckles against the dark metal. there was no reply, and he tried again, a bit more force put into it this time. still nothing. 

was chan alright? he could be sleeping. or maybe in the bathroom. but what if something actually happened?

he would have tried messaging the older, but he hasn't replied to any of his messages ever since they last saw each other. 

with a frown forming on his face, he reached for the doorknob. much to his surprise, it was open, and now he was really getting nervous. chan rarely left his front door unlocked. 

pushing it open quickly, he looked inside the apartment, eyes gradually turning more rapid as he searched for the blonde haired male. what if chan really wasn't okay? he was nowhere to be seen. 

"chan?" his voice echoed in the silent apartment as he shut the door behind himself. taking a few steps into the living room, he peeked his head into the kitchen and glanced at the nearly shut door leading to chan's bedroom. nearing said bedroom he looked inside, only to find it empty, and extremely messy. 

chan was really not okay if he let his safe space become such a dump, he thought to himself while scanning over the piles of clothes and empty bottles littering the floor, his desk, and even his bed. 

stepping out and back into the living room he headed down to where his hall was at. "chan! are you here?" he called out again, this time a bit louder and far more worried. god, why wasn't chan replying? 

just when he was about to go whirling into a fit, a sound came from down the hall. 

he hurriedly followed, dropping his bag to the ground while doing so. the sound became clearer, and he realized it was music playing, but heavily muffled by the walls. 

he leaned against one of the few doors, recalling it to be the one leading to chan's studio, and once confirmed that the music was coming from there he entered. 

setting foot into the room, his eyes lit up and he let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. 

chan was inside his little cubicle, headset resting atop his now grown out, curly blonde hair. minho never realized he had curly hair. 

the older was facing away from him, and he took that opportunity to tiptoe his way over to the desk just below a wide glass panel which he could see the male through. keeping his body low and close to the ground, he huffed and sat down by the feet of the desk, carefully reaching up to grab the headsets set on it. 

chan's voice immediately filled his head, recognizing the song he sang. 

🎶 You're no longer my concern  
Faces from my past return  
Another lesson yet to learn 🎶 

his voice was smooth, almost silky with a raspy undertone. it sounded worn like he has been straining it, and yet still minho was absolutely smitten by his sound. his voice was beautiful. 

🎶 That I'd fallen for a lie  
You were never on my side  
Fool me once, fool me twice  
Are you death or paradise? 🎶 

funny enough, minho loved and knew this song by heart, and subconsciously began to hum along with its melody, eyes closing as he focused on the sound. 

'are you death or paradise?' that was one way he thought of chan. he couldn't decide if the male brought him sadness, anxiety, or if he made him happy, love-struck almost. 

🎶 Now you'll never see me cry 🎶 

the climax was approaching, and minho's heart began hammering in his chest. the voice was messing with his head, playing with his thoughts and coursing through his veins. 

chan held him captive with just his voice. 

🎶 There's just no time to die 🎶 

the music turned dramatic, and along with that, his heart rate picked up a faster pace. 

🎶 No time to die 🎶 

here it comes, but minho wasn't ready. he wasn't ready for how chan would sing such a part. 

he wasn't ready for it. 

🎶 No time to die 🎶 

his voice was strong, powerful, and full of emotions and just as minho thought— he wasn't ready. a chill ran down his spine and the sound of chan's voice echoed in his head. his heart filled with dread yet the underlying feeling of adoration lingered underneath. the note was beautiful, on pitch, and dragged out so so long he simply got lost in the feeling. he was so engulfed in the sound that it took him by surprise when it broke into a sob. 

chan was crying. 

and hearing chan cry was his breaking point as he realized that he didn't like the blonde man simply as a friend or a classmate.

getting up from the ground, he reached for a button that chan showed him before and took a deep breath hovering over the microphone. 

🎶 Fool me once, fool me twice 🎶 

chan's voice shot up in the sound of a yelp, mixed with a sob as he thrashed his head around. minho had begun singing with him, gently, oh so gently, that if the music wasn't as quiet as it was he might have not even noticed. 

🎶 Are you death or paradise? 🎶 

minho stared at chan, the words leaving his lips almost like he was asking chan himself those questions while the latter just watched him, eyes puffy and red and cheeks glistening with tears. 

chan looked terrible, and minho just wanted to hug him. hug his pain and tears away. hug him, and cherish him until all the sadness left his body, his heart, every bit of his mind. hug him until he was happy. 

🎶 Now you'll never see me cry 🎶 

his lips pulled into a small smile, only seeming to falter when chan's eyes broke away from his, leaving him staring at the older boy's side profile. not like he minded it— chan was stunning no matter how he looked at him. 

🎶 There's just no time to die 🎶 

their voices mingled, their sounds mixing and forming this beautiful tone that melted minho's heart. he wanted to sing with chan. he wanted to do it if it meant that the boy wouldn't be sad anymore. 

the music ended, but chan still didn't look at him. 

"can i go in, channie?" minho whispered softly, watching how chan's shoulders trembled and his sniffles echoed through the mic. 

he smiled when chan nodded, removing his headset as minho followed suit and quietly went over to enter the smaller room. 

inside, chan was still turned away from him, his hands now curling around his biceps and digging into his skin. 

his nails were drawing blood and minho's eyes widened in realization. 

that time when minho assumed he had someone over, and chan denied it saying he had chipped his desk— he lied. he did it to himself. he hurt himself. 

"chris, stop." he called out worriedly and didn't hesitate to go and grab the boy's hands, ripping them away from  
his own skin. 

chan froze, eyes widening and breath catching in his throat as he watched the brunette in front of him. minho's deep brown eyes were so soft, so gentle as they looked over chan's scarred arm, fumbling in his pockets before finding a tissue and dabbing it against the bleeding wounds. but he didn't even flinch. he didn't feel it, because there was only one thing on his mind. 

"you called me chris."

minho raised his eyes to the male and locked stares with him. chan was...vulnerable. not in a way as if he belittled himself. he was vulnerable in a way like he just had a huge burden drop from his back. like his last walls were broken. 

chan was vulnerable as he relaxed under minho's touch. 

"i heard from felix that it's your real name." minho explained, a small, gentle smile forming on his lips as he wiped the trickling blood off of chan's ghostly pale skin. "i called you chris because i realized that.." his voice trailed off, realizing that what he was about to say may sound odd. "..i realized you aren't chan."

he expected the blonde boy to look back at him with a puzzled expression. eyes boring into him in a weirded out manner as he wondered what the hell minho was talking about. 

but instead, he was caught off guard when chan's weight fell to the ground and dragged minho with him. 

with wide eyes, the brunette looked up, and his face softened. 

chan was crying, lips quivering and his whole body trembling with his sobs. he dropped the tissue papers from his hand and gently grabbed chan by the chin to lift his face up. 

their eyes met, and minho smiled. "i'm right aren't I."

chan couldn't form words with his mouth. minho was truly far more than pretty eyes and plush lips. he was observant, he was smart and knew what to say and when to say it. minho had a way of figuring him out— a way like no one before. 

he nodded his head, and that familiar burning feeling returned to his chest. his heart hammered in his chest, and ringing echoed in his ears, ashes filling his lungs with tears brimming his eyes. 

he was breaking apart. 

"you are not chan. he is happy. he is a mask..." a tear ran down the boy's face, and minho reached his fingers out to gently wipe them away. his palm lingered on his cheek, rubbing his thumb gently along the rosy skin of his cheek. "you are broken, chris, but you are real"

and chris couldn't hold himself together anymore as he sobbed, his head leaning into minho's touch and his voice trembling. his own shaky hands found their spot flush against the younger ones that laid over his cheek, feeling bad but not doing anything to stop his tears from washing over the warm skin of his palm. 

minho hummed, shushing the boy as he scooted closer, pulling chan's head against his chest, peppering soft kisses atop his brown roots that descended into long grown out blonde hair. 

"it'll be fine, love. we'll get through this, the two of us. i promise."

and chris accepted that the feelings he had for minho were none that of hate, but instead was this burning love that filled his lungs and fogged his head, and frankly, he didn't mind it anymore. 

minho brought him a sense of peace, hope, and happiness.


End file.
